ahhh, theres nothing to do. i woke up && tried to go to sleep, but couldn't. and you ask why, well because i couldn't get sam off my mind. i haven't spoken to him since he said he wanted to be with me, yet needs to think things over. at 1st i thought it was his way of ending things, but then that wouldnt be right because sam's feelings are real and hes not like other niggas that say shyt and mess around. i soon realized that sam is actually thinking over things because i saw his status update. his mood said bummed, and his status said lost. i hope things between us work out, to be honest i dont even know why we're in this situation anyways.
oh yea, like the page?? i redid it. hehe =). other then that, is was a normal day. the usual, nothin specific or exciting today sorry to say. lols. well i guess i've spent a lil to much time on blog today, editing my page and what not. && there isn't much to say unlike other times. so i guess i'll be off this for now.
toodlez ;)
-Lmao okay so i just had this convo with my fkcface buddy kix;; dont ask about the nickname. because hes calles me fkcface too and honestly i don't even know how we started calling each fkcface or where it even came from. But uhm yea anyways we both live in the same state but different city, and we never met. we were suppose to meet but i rejfected him when he asked me to go to the mall to meet him and then i was suppose to go to his new yr's party. but i had no ride. lols. so far me and him has known each other for about 2 yrs. and I LOVE speaking to him. he cracks me up all the time. we have these weird conversations and they go on and on forever. especialy on facebook and myspace, we never write like one line to each other, its always like a frickin paragraph. but yea i think thanxz to kix thats how i met sam. cuzh i think sam found me off kix's page. lols or so sam says but i know he found me off ahem cough* j**'s page. 
"fkcface kix" (1:04:35 AM): i juss got back frum tha gym n i juss grubbed "fkcface kix" (1:04:37 AM): ill brb "fkcface kix" (1:04:39 AM): if ur still on "fkcface kix" (1:04:39 AM): lmao xxelsyee (1:04:44 AM): i'll still be on xxelsyee (1:04:55 AM): we're gonna make plans xxelsyee (1:05:02 AM): and your gonna fkcin give me my pho xxelsyee (1:05:02 AM): LMAO xxelsyee (1:05:08 AM): before you go to cali xxelsyee (1:05:17 AM): and maybe i'll miss you after xxelsyee (1:05:21 AM): if you make a good impression xxelsyee (1:05:22 AM): lols "fkcface kix" (1:06:10 AM): lmao wuss a good impression "fkcface kix" (1:06:16 AM): i aint gon stick it in u if thass wut ur askin "fkcface kix" (1:06:17 AM): lmfao "fkcface kix" (1:06:21 AM): im kidding xxelsyee (1:06:25 AM): LMAO "fkcface kix" (1:06:31 AM): its lik im fcukin mah boi "fkcface kix" (1:06:32 AM): lmao! xxelsyee (1:06:39 AM): doing mean ima do it with you when we 1st met "fkcface kix" (1:06:43 AM): unless i stick it in ur butt xxelsyee (1:06:47 AM): and shiet "fkcface kix" (1:06:51 AM): lmao "fkcface kix" (1:06:53 AM): ! "fkcface kix" (1:06:55 AM): :P xxelsyee (1:06:58 AM): oh my gosh xxelsyee (1:06:58 AM): LMAO
- theres never going to be a "happily ever after" if you dont create it yourself. don't just dream of it, because its never enough. you can get so far, have all the money in the world and fame; but trust its never enough if you don't spend it on someone other then yourself. life isn't about being selfish, so mature and find that one person you truely love and create your own happily ever after, do more then just dream of it, chase it and make it come true. a person can do so much and get no where, sometimes your happily ever after will find you. so never give up either. thats what i've learned today.
to be continued... i have to go to sleep now. finals tomorrow.
-i'm sorry
sorry for.....turning this whole blog into a love journal. i'm sorry i can't ever seem to make up my mind, i'm sorry my blogs aren't as interesting as it started out to be.
but fuck it. its my blog, and i'll write as i please. lately i've been sorry for alot of things. but it stops here. no one is in control of this blog account but me, therefore it is mine and i can do and write what i want, how i feel, and my thoughts. this is me. im a roller coaster. take it as it is and who i am or fkc off.
- i feel like i can't even breathe sometimes just for the simple fact that hes always on my mind. last thing he said to me was he wants to be with me but just needs time to think about it. they say girls are hard to figure out, but guess what?!?! So are guys, what is there to think about, you should know what you want and if not then let it go?? Am i right??. I don't even know, i have so much going through my mind as each time i try to catch a breath or one big leap of air ,it hurts. my streangth has weaken without him. i am no longer strong. i thought i can be on my own, but i can't. i can't sleep, i can't stop having all these thoughts racing in my head, i can't stop questioning myself what if. i can't deal with this erghhh.
-heh, today i've learned to not judge as quickly as i do. and if i've judged you then im sorry. its just i hold up a wall and try to keep the bad from the good out of my life. i know its wrong now. because there are some good guys. today i judged someone a while back. and to find out hes not bad of a person. and although he likes me, i cant say much. i just know im not gonna let myself like him because at this moment im not ready to like anyone. i got a job and i have school to focus on. and thats all im going to worry about because i have to help my dad whom i love so much. hes my life. && everything that i do has to help him out in any way possible. other then that, i'm still happy. keeping my head up.havent been done as usual lately.
oh & yea this mornin i was on aim. and this boy whos name starts with a J who tired to talk to me awhile back, IM's me and his birthday is on june 16 as well as my lil bro and home boy keith. then i get on myspace and someone else's [no name] birthday is also on the 16th. suprisingly i left a comment for him and said happy belated. dont know why i did, but whatever. oh and this other guy's birthday is the same as sam's birthday nov 16th. what kinda ish is that. now that me and sam arent talking, its like everywhere i turn theres the thought of him. oh and today's our 7months, but it doesnt even matter anymore.
to be continue. gotta go and eat then get ready for work. 6-10
im finally working. got a job at the mall. hehe =)
finals are tomorrow
sam doesn't know what he wants, he has to think about it, but he wants to be with me. confuzed much?? i am to. its whatever, i got a job now. and i have no time for childish games and relationships. either we work it out or not. tomorrows our 7months. but whatever happens, happens. its mean to be. oh well
other then that. i cant wait to go go-kart racing && now paint balling as well. which are the weekend plans hopefully lols.
btw;; i got a new follower yay. ahah its jan!! hehe
okay im back ;;although the situation with me and sam is kinda still a blurr, a mystery, a question. i'll be fine. got my job, and im busy most of the time now. school && work. seems like i dont have time for alot. but im happy, because when i do have time, i have money at least LMAO. no need to ask daddy or rely on other people, which i hate to do. but they offer so what more can i say, i do turn them do but it never helps. anyways no i can offer to pay for them lols. schools almost out and i'll be puttin more hours in. maybe do something on the side for my own entertainment because going out and having a bf is out of the question.
im not even thinking of having a bf, im just all about the money and education. i dont even think about boys anymore. usually im online talkin to so many guys but now im barely even online even before my job, i stoped gettin online. i only go on, just to blog. no more myspace. i only sign-in in the morning and before i go to sleep to check if i get a message back from sam, because i guess we're tryna work things out, but now that he says he needs to think about it. i guess im freee. we're taking a break. we're not talkin anymore. idk lols. anyways im off this for now. toodlez
-today i had a talk with my daddy, and as you prolly know, if you've stayed posted with all my other blogs then yea ;; my daddy doesn't know i date but he knows of sam. [ btw all my blogs have a purpose, because i'll always bring up some part of it in my new blogs ] anyways yea so my dad has a new wife and a child on the way, his new wife is in asia. my dads waiting for me to graduate which means i'll be movin out on my own, and he'll have his chance to go live in asia with them. he said something about me havin my own family and sending him money every now and then so he can come back to the USA to come visit and so i can finally meet the step mother and my half lil bro or sis. my response back to my dad, was " how am i suppose to have a family if you dont let me out to date or have boyfriends ". he said if i can take care of myself i can do what i want, which means hes allowin me to date. he said when im in love to make sure hes a good guy. && i told him about sam, and how sam has impacted my life and made it better. how sam respects me and is a good guy. so my dad approves. which im very happy =). im glad me and my daddy are having convos like these, its bringing us a whole lot closer, not that we've never been close because psshhh we always have.
well thats all for today;; ima head off to bead early, because im still kinda tired from that bbq beer pong party yesterday lols. next week- a group of us are going go kart racing after finals!! YAY =)
well toodlez, goodnight.
Although i have just posted a blog, i like to always go back a few mins after and edit some words or spelling or add in a few sentences more. so before reading my posts, wait a day. lols
-Okay so awhile ago, i was washin my clothes and left my contacts in my pants, so i was screwed. ordered some new ones and they finally came in hehe. they're gray && i actually took a pic to display it, but im not sure your able to see it because its a webcam pic and webcam pics pretty much suck. oh yea i did my own eyebrows to, doesnt look different much, so you can't really tell lols;; btw no edits on the pic.
btw;; i quit myspace, only go on to talk to the boo sam if i need to leave an important message, cuzh i dont have my cell at the moment, long story. no i didnt get in trouble LOLS.
oh and as a i mention in one of my previous blogs, DAYUMMM i am hella addicted to blog. i post at least 4 a dayy. and i've started blogging may 21st and alreadt 32 posts. haha, no life much?? J.K. i have one, obviously because im going somewhere with it instead of remaining at the same position stuck in my parent's house.
-Okay so, me and sam arent over yet. i guess he really does want to stick around. 3more days && i'll be 7months =)..
- oh yea i've been meaning to do a blast to the past blog, but couldnt find an old pic of me. lols but now i have. because me and my lil bro was talkin about it, and was actually the 1st time i found out he even blogs lols.and i just finish washin my clothes bleh.
-As i look back on my past and what my reputation use to be. i'm pretty happy at how i turned out. i got me a boo whos willin to stick around no matter how many times i push him away for countless and stupid reason or assumptions that i come up with. i got a job interview, i'm almost 18 && movin out [ well i already have moved out. my parents live on the 2nd floor while i live on the 1st floor, but i mean move out into my own apt.]. going for my licsense. i mean its been a rough year and i've manage to pick up the pieces on my own. i have friends, but there just people i hang out with i guess, not people i let into my personal life. so its whatever, i did it on my own. didnt need anyone's help. and all this is comin from me, so thats a surprise, because in all my life, i've always had to rely on someone to protect me, help me, be my rock and now i dont. life is lookin up for me right now. i can honestly say i'm going on the right path.
-back then i was this "hoe" or what people called me , even my close friends which turns out they really aren't my friends because i don't keep in contact with any of them what so ever, even my own cousin- sa
d to say, but life goes on, but what people didn't know was that i got raped, and i may have lost it young. but that doesn't define who i am because look at me today, i've gotten farther then most people have in their whole life and ever will. to be honest and i dont care that im puttin it out there for the cyber world to read, i've only had sex with 2 guys. but that was back then in 7th grade, i havent had sex since then until now, my junior yr. i had sex with 2 other guys. all in all, basicaly it was just 4 guys. and if that makes me a hoe. then im gladly to say im a hoe. but im not because at least i can count the number of guys i did with my fingers and it doesnt have to take up all of my fingers not even one hand. i use to think because i lost it young or got raped, i'd be the 1st one out of my childhood friends to be prego, but im not. YAY for me. but theres no need for me to put it out there and try to prove myself to anyone because my future proves it for me. but i'm just lettin it out, how i feel, cuzh i've felt this way for awhile. people not knowin what they're talkin about. and they should get they're facts straight before ruining one's life.
-pretty much i had a rough yr with people callin me a hoe , even my close friends who didn't even seem to back me up. but its whatever. so taking a look at the past and now, i've become a better and stronger person because of it.
-so today i woke up with no plans, but ended up going to a bbq beer pong party. had fun, danced a little, and did the usual ya knoe. met a few cute guys, but none that i was interested in. lately i havent been interested in any guy or want to get into anything with any guy anymore. because i really don't care.
-oh sam wrote back to that somewhat break up letter. he was shocked i'd say??. i dont know lols. he answered saying something like so...you want to take a break?!?!. i guess he was madd to, i'm guess he doesn't want to stop. i asked him what he wants because he never tells me how he feels or what he wants, and i'm always lost. everytime i feel that way, or i feel like he doesnt want me anymore i try to break it off with him, and no matter how many times i do that or how many times i try to push him away or how many times i bitch at him and assume shyt about his doins and where abouts or no matter how many times i get jealous and how jealous i get. he never wants to leave me or stop talkin. he sticks around, i don't understand why, i guess he does want this and im just to stubborn to see it because i want more. i want him to tell me, i want him to show me. i really don't know where we stand, but we'll see.
-oh && in the dayy, i watched "sam i am". it had me crying. its a good movie. i liked it. but ima continue this some other time because that party got me worn out. goodnight, toodlez.
