the break up letter

- heres the "letter" i wrote. && FINALLY i sent it, so now its completely over.

i called you about 10 times, but phones busy. idk i guess im just running out of energy trying to stay in this some what "relationship" or "whatever" it is that we have going on. almost 7months and we're gettin completely no where. i feel like i want us to work out more than you do, i feel like i've been puttin my all that i can even though i dont have a phone but i still try to keep in contact with you. cuzh i mean i did go see you and have been tryin to go see you again but your always busy or maybe you just dont want to. idk i guess im just saying lets move on. although when we met_________________________________________________. im not even gonna look at it that way, its whatever. now you can do whatever you want which you've probably been doing the whole time, and dont get me wrong im not madd or assuming anything at all. you can have your sweater back, i'll give it to you and then leave. and then yea thats it i guess. i wont bother you or be in your life from then on. goodnight.

&& it goes on, life goes on

- i was reading all of my previous blogs && i go back && forth alot. i made sam seem like the perfect guy, but if he was. i wouldnt have to 2nd guess him. so the truth comes out. hes not perfect. and maybe thats why i wrote that " break-up " letter. i think right now i just need to be single, think over things and figurre out what i want. not who i want lols. i have the future for that because after no matter how many guys and heart breaks, theres morre to come but life will always go on.

Sooo ....uhmmm

-okay so i went to school;; what a shitty day. raining and yea just totally ruined the mood. 1st period, my homeboy who im cool with but always seem to get into it with was sittin at a different table, with this new girl, who i didnt know was new because obviously i've been skippin school and like 2 other girls. [all of them being black, no offense, i am NOT racist]. but for some reason he had the nerve to tell them i dont like black guys, so those girls got offended and i overheard them saying alot of shyt and one of those things being said was do you want me to ask her why she don't like black guys. i wanted to so bad just to like say something because i can fuckin hear them im not death, and if you want to know why just ask. 5mins pass........they finally asked. and i said i dont know, i just never found them attractive, YET im talkin to a black guy now and its been almost 7 months- so its not like i have something against them, because i don't.

then we went to an award assembly, up till 4th period. got to 4th period and my teacher puts a hand on a student, so we all all these securities and what not.

5th period- had an argument with a teacher because she had lost someone's work, in which i had handed to her in her hand. so the blame was on me. so we're both arguing with her because the student handed me the paper to give to her and saw me give it to here therefore it wasn't like i did something to it. but whatever the student found the paper in the teacher's folder, stupid bitch.

6th period- through out the yr theres these 2 ghetto and i mean ghetto black girls who sit behind me, and always talk shyt about me. i think its pointless so i always bite my tongue, but today they said something that trigger me to want to come out and just burst out how i felt which im going to vent and do now.

to those to ghetto black bitchs
im not death ya knoe, i hear every wrd you say
if anything stop being to face if you think your so tough
and say shyt to my face, like seriously grow the fuck up duh,
no i am not perfect or try to act like jesus, dont hate me cuzh i look good
dont hate me because you can never be me, yea i get away with a lot of shyt
you would to, if you weren't so ghetto.

7th period- on my way to lunch. guess there was suppose to be a fight in front of the cafe, but everyone was like on top of eachother . there was no fight, people were pissed, so they started acting stupid, i got pushed to the floor then the lockers. that 2nd time i got pushed, all the anger i had through the day just ERGHHHHHHHH triggered me like a bullet wanting to burst the fuck out of a gun. i got up and was ready to starrt swinging at anyone, throwing puncheas at whoever, until my homeboy grabbed me by my hoody, literally almost picked me up and walked me the other way although i fought him not literally, but yea just so i can go back so i can have just one hit, just to get my anger out.

8th period- was the only good period. =)

after school sucked, at 1st it wasn't raining, but as i walked it started pouring. luckily i had an umbrella, the new guy who i thought i knew but didnt [ a couple of blogs perviously written about] who keeps starring at me during lunch was behind me and his home boy was walking with him and then came under my umbrella tryna talk to me and asked if i a had a boyfriend, no i dont. the end i took my turn and went home while he went straight.

speaking of boyfriends. i wrote a somewhat break-up letter to sam. its not a break up letter because we're not together, and you can't break something apart if its not together in the 1st place. but yea i wrote him a letter so we can stop talking. but i didnt send it to him yet because i actually want to say it on the phone or in person and give him his sweater.

the end. toodlez

short fat asian DUHHH

- lmao okay so on with the previous blog,enough about the new guy i dont know. more about the new guy i did know off myspace but never met until now cuzh he transferred to my school. he wrote to him yeedayy cuzh i thought i saw him, but it was the other new boy. so he left me a comment today and was like forreal? and im like nvm it wasnt you becuase i saw you today and thats not the same guy from yeedayy. and i said i think you saw me to . he tried to lie and said it was only a glanced. bullshyt he was SHOCKED. and he said i caught him, duh i know what i saw. lols. he thought i didnt know it was him lols. hahaha. funnay. oh wells. i asked how he knew it was me, because honestly i dont think i look like my pictures, but obviously sam thinks i do because hes still talkin to me, and of course other people who i've met in person off myspace also said i look like my pictures, im just extra short and they thought i'd be taller. haha nope. im only 4'11. oh well yea when i had asked him how he knew it was me he said i said i'd be the short cute asian. LMAO that is not something i'd ever say, hes lying. i said i'd be the short fat asian. i always say that. yes i have low confidence, oh well. can't help it. anyways ima go to sleep in bae's sweater, I MISS HIM, ergh i wanna see him again so bad, i need to.

i thought i saw my shawdow but it was you........

- at 1st i thought it was my mind playing tricks on me. but it wasn't. so it all started yesterday when i had lunch. 2 tables away from me was this new kid, && i thought it was this new kid that i had already knew off myspace but had never met in person cuzh he told me he transferred to my school. but then today as i walk to my 5th period class i saw the real one that i actually know off myspace, so im like oops the one at lunch is a different new guy, im like dayum so many new guys why are they new transferring, schools over. wdfuck. but whatever. today at lunch he kept starring at me and turnin his head towards me like ever 2nd literally, my home boy counted at least 20 times in LESS the a min. and the other homeboy who sat next to me was like it hink he thinks im your bf, and him starrin over here is getting irritating. idk what it was about me, but then i walked to my next class and oh shyt he has class right next to me, i didnt notice yesterday. class was over. time to go home. seemed as if he was followin me and i thought it was my mind playin tricks on me with my shawdo, i wish i had one of those shirts. hes cute and all but he doesnt even speak english, plus i'd only be his friend, nothing more. i already got my boo. but we can't even be friends, how would we communicate LMAO. but other then that, i had a great day =)

Morningggg =)

morninggggg =). hehe i just woke up shower and did the usual. im actually in a pretty great mood, ready to have a good day. im usually not like this, but i am at the moment, and im addicted to blog as you can see. its like i leave at least 4 blogs a dayy. usually i hate writting, maybe because it was in writting class and this is just free for hand writting and i can say speak, write, express, however i feel, but still even when we have free for hand writting i never know what to write lols. maybe because my time is limited in class and this, i have all dayy to think about and do. well im off to school now hehe. btw i miss the babes<3. i slept in his sweater last night and i havent did that in awhile. now you know im over that situation that im not gonna go into and write or talk about. okay well have a nice day everyone, i'll be back tonight to update about my day. toodlez

finally i can sleep peacefully.

- finally i can sleep peacefully, i havent in awhile. i usally end up sleepin at like 4:30-ishAm. i guess its because i feel like i got a load of my shoulders. i know what i want, and have what i need. great family, friends and a guy on the side. what more can i ask for. i'm not confuzed about anything anymore. i found my place, my heart is here and with those who i love, it belongs. well im going to sleep now, cuzh im able to sleep early now, dont have much on mind to stress over.

the last of him && its only him [s.jbae]

-okay so i've come to a conclusion about that other guy, the 2nd guy. i've come to realize he was nothing but bull. if your reading this, sorry its true and my opinion doesnt even matter because we don't talk and aren't even friends anymore;; so its all good then. after we met, that was it, the end of our "friendship". && i regret meetin him even though he said he was glad that i went, i think that was bull as well. because he if was glad i went, we'd still be talking, but i guess he was using me for what we did. which wasn't really much, so all you pervs stop thinking nasty and grow up. but anyways im done with him, hes not in my life no more. im just stupid to have felt how i felt for the pass week. but its better to have come to a realization sooner better now then never or later. this is the last i'll write of him.

[his initials s.j- hes my bae]- i've branded him in my heart. not on it, because its not a tatto]

-i've realize the 1st him sam, was the best. and im was stupid to 2nd guess him. hes the one for right now, hes the one i woke up thinkin about JUST now before i came to blog. my sister and i were arguing because i've been skippin school and she thought it was for sam. not even at all and i told her, if anything sam makes me go to school and gets madd at me when i skipp school. at 1st she was cool of the thought of sam and what i've told her, but now she thinks he seems to perfect to be true and that i must be"up-ing" him to make him look good, usually when i tell her about guys im talkin to, seeing, or with;; i'd have to "up" him and make him look good, cuzh the guys in the pass were bums. and sam isn't. im lucky to have even talked to him and to have met him, means so much more. honesty hes a great guy, and if anyone spoke to him or knows him and see him the way that i do and can then you'll know what i mean, but thats not even half of it. he brings so much more to the table. its only him that i want, and i know that now. no need to 2nd guess what i have, cuzh i have a good thing going. hes the best i ever had.

-&& bae if your reading this, and read what i wrote above about the other guy. dont get me wrong, it wasn't even like that. only lasted a week, and it was only a phaze. i met him once and its the last i'll ever see of him. so dont get madd, if anything just be glad i've finally opened up my eyes and see that what we have is something i dont want to lose. you've had your mistakes, and this one is one of mines, the 1st and the last. i am all yours, either we are official or not. your the only one i want.

one of those good days

-honestly today has been one of those good relaxing days even though it sucked because it was a rainy day, a dayy i havent had in awhile.who would have guessed, one of the good days would turn out to be on a rainy day, not me lols- those days usually suck. i no longer care about the other guy, but is gonna try and focus on this guy. im lucky to have him. came home from school today and although i havent been to school in awhile, i finally went today as if i was famous, everyone was askin where have been and sayin they missed me. i felt the love, the love that i needed just to life up my spirits. im happy and lucky to have the friends that i have. hehe bbl

thoughts of me, finally

-finally, thoughts of me. no more him[s].

i feel like, i put to much on myself. that im goin through so much, if only people knew half of what im goin through. but thats something i'll keep a secret from the cyber world. because although as much as i have been open and this is like a journal. there are some things that are meant to be secrets and not so anyone especialy anyone online to know about.

i feel like i've been to depressed too much lately. i need a change, a motivation, an inspiration, something to look forward to. no more thoughts of him[s]. thoughts of me. i just finish crying and its time i head to bed. although its 2:19, this is the earliest i've gone to bed in awhile

sooo goodnight. toodlez

FKC MY LIFE

- im just going through so much shyt, im tired of hearing it from other people. like wdfuck, dont you fuckin think i know all that shyt already. so fuckin what i can't do shyt, put yourselve in my position. sure its fuckin easy to give advice but think about it can you fuckkin go through and deal with it yourself. i highly fuckin doubt it. alot of people give out advice but can never fuckin take their own. what kind of shyt is that. believe me or not. base me on my history. do as you please. but i will NEVER be perfect. i can not please everyone, i am who i am, i make poor choices, im young and i will learn from it. one dayy i will make you proud, my dad, my mom, my sisters&& lil bro

i am sorry lil bro that i am not the best example, or role model. i am sorry that it may seem to you that i give up on life, i am trying, if only you were in my shoes or can see things through my eyes and mind. the tears have fallen, i feel like im going through a major break down. but im holding myself as best as i can. its not much, but its all i can do for now. so please believe me when i say i am trying.

i am sorry big sister, with all your help and what you've done for me, i am highly grateul and thank you for everything. i am sorry i am not as strong as you, i am sorry i have not shown my thanxz by trying to better mysel and make something out of my life or at least try. cuzh i know thats all you want. dont ever think you arent a great big sister. because you are. and i love you.

i am sorry dad, i cant be like lyna. i am sorry for being another problem child.im lazy and make lots of mistakes. im sorry i cant help you or havent done so. but i am trying. sorry im not like jime, who makes things so easy. im sorry for makin things harder for you. im sorry for makin you work 10 time harder just to give me a better life. and now that you cant, im sorry im not helpin the situation better

mom, your a bitch. im sorry you cant see dad for who he is, what hes done. im sorry you arent the mom i wish i had, im sorry for even callin you mom. but im thankful that you brought me into this life. just know i will be a better mom than you ever were to me. and best believe im tryin to live life not like you, ima do it different.

i love you all. i promise one dayy. things will be different

[sowwie for all the profanity. highly unlike me.-- tough situation, going through alot]

uhmmm whats the point

-the point of myspace??

myspace- a place for friends.
Thats what i thought;; but not any more, theres so much that goes into that. Its not even friends, more like enemies. People reading each's comments, starting drama. Thats just the basics.

I think its pointless, I use to be addicted to it, i'm not gonna lie. but now i hardly write people back, && i accept everyone because i have nothing to hide. but i DO NOT send friend requests because i can care less to make friends on there. Why? because its not like i'm going to ever meet you, if you want to be my friend go ahead and send me a request, but don't look forward to me sending you one. Sure i'll accept it and talk to you, but none the less thats as far as it goes. Maybe if your lucky and you live close by in the state of Ct, we can meet after a period of time gettin to know each other of course.

I hate how people get madd at you if you don't read back, like wdheo- no one told you to write to me. if i wanted to write to you, i would have done it 1st, dont ya think?. DUH. i hate how girls assume your talking to their man, excuse you, you must be doing something wrong for your man to even talk to another girl. so dont get madd at the other, get mad at your man. most likely their only friends on myspace anyways, its not like they'll ever meet. plus if that other girl talks back, take it as a compliment. as if to say you got a good man on your hands cuzh if he was single they'd holla but to be respectful he yours, we can be friends.

i hate how guys send pointless messages, saying wahsup. isnt that what comments are for. i understand you want to get personal and keep it private but most o the time, come on now it is pointless.

Ahhhhh lately although in the pass i was a myspace addict and maybe just a lil i still am, but i've been thinkin about givin it up, the whole "myspace life". been thinking about just deleting it. im not sayin i wont be online anymore, because i'll still blog. but myspace is gettin a bit over-rated.

home sweet home.

lol well im back home. so my guy friend came over && we hung out at the back of the school, where we saw little kids having field day. ahhh i remember those days. SIKE, i never experiences it because i was a bad child back then. so there fore i didnt get to experience alot of things. Anyways after leaving each other, i was kinda hungry so decided to go to the corner store, how ghetto huh??. yes pretty much so. but as i walk i see my friend's house, so i went to her house instead, chilled for a bit until another of our friend came over and then we all 3 walked to another friend's house. && i ate there. some chicken, white rice and beans. YUMMMM =). i havent thought about any guys lately, basicaly a dayy with the girls just made me forget. well thats it for today unless i decide to come back and update by the end of the night,although i highly doubt anything is gonna happen because im callin it a day. the end. toodlez.

wdFUKC;; meet milo??

okay so i just got up and got on blogspot. nope, didnt go to school because i didnt wake up on time. but the point is, once i signed on. i saw someone's blog. this person who just started followin me yesterday. 1st words of his blogs was "Meet Milo". im like its bad enough i can't get the day that we spent out of my head, but now im seein his name everywhere too??. ughhhh why is this happening to me. its not even a coincidence. whatever erghhh, ima go shower.

ugh i'd stay online, but i gotta get ready. cuzh the guy i was suppose eat lunch with today, well i kinda didnt show up in school so we couldnt have lunch. so i got on aim to tell him i was sorry, i overslept. but what a coincidence, he over slept to. so now hes coming over and i guess we're gonna go out and chill, because hes not comin into my house thats forshur lols.

Back && Forth

-So its time for another blog of mines before i head to bed. Now it seems like i go back and forth. i want him but then i don't, but i'm a girl what can i say. i can never make a decision. one min i'm happy and the next i'm not. i have moodswings, so what. take me for who i am. at 1st i was happy, but now all i think about is him, not that him;; but the other him. maybe because with him, it seemed like my 1st real date being in the car with him and going to the movies and the mall. nothing im use to ever, it was something different. && i really liked that feeling && honestly i don't want that feeling to go away. to be honest, i think of him more than the other him, its crazy and i can't even get him out of my head. i dont even sleep with the other him's sweater on anymore. i dont even know what im feeling, i've lost my mind. its taken over me.

alright i'll leave this short for now. goodnight<3>

Long DAY;; Versus Dance Crew

-Okay so today i woke up at around 11. Showered and did the usual, got on myspace and started talkin to my friend because i had left him a comment tellin him to spot posting his dance crew videos. He said it was his friend but then again if anything could not help it because i have alot of friends [over 10k]. So he'd appreciate if i'd help to promote them. I told him he should make a webpage for his crew. What did you know.... obviously i didn't, but they already have one. He gave me the link and as i looked at it, boy were they in need of HELP. so i took over and redid the page, now im kind of like their manager, well i felt like it, lols. so heres one of their videos and the link the the myspace page of Versus Dance Crew.

the page is still underconstruction, but i did a good job huh?? yes bg and banner and eveything else was made by me. =)
http://www.myspace.com/teeveed






-other then helpin him out all dayy, i havent spoken to either guys, i guess its official to say that i have no attatchment to anyone and that im completely single. I've realized its okay, all i have to do is keep busy and they'll both be forgotten. As of this moment i feel like i've accomplish something just because of realization. I have a smile on my face, and didn't need any guy to put one on for me. I'm happy =).

-by the way i have a new follower. YAY hehe =). for some reason, although i've had a long day, i'm pretty hyper and happy, very happy. i deserve it. plus tomorrow im having lunch with a guy that i've known since my freshman yr. he use to be in my be in my 1st period art class and he told me that he liked me and waited all this time because he wasn't sure if i liked him back, he was scared. maybe i'll stick to dating because gettin my hopes up and fallin for a guy leads to nothing most of the time. i guess it really isn't my time to settle down, even though it sounds nice. but one day i will have a long relationship, and another one after that and maybe one day i'll be lucky enough to get married and have kids. but for now, i have a feeling everythings going to be just fine.

give me a sign

- ever since i met this guy, or have been talkin to him, i stay up till like 4am. then when i met him, we kinda drifted away, and dont talk as much. && that made me stay up even more. it also made me start acting like a bitch to the guy that i like, to push him away. honestly i have no idea how i feel. and i haven't slept in awhile. so today ima keep this short, and head off to bed. so give me a sign, help me make a decision about how i feel and what i want.