NO more guys for me =)

-yes im going lesbian........LMAO. jk

okay so i was talkin to my friend and she made me realize, each time i meet a guy, instead of takin a step forward we do this whole 180 turn. cuzh last wednesday i met sam and now its like i dont even know how i feel for him anymore, it use to be all nice and sweet and i was so into him as if i was sprung even though i wasn't. then i met this guy this pass wednesday, but now hes going back to fl. and even in the past when i was with this one guy, we broke up but though about gettin back. and it didn't workout because he moved down south. its like each time i get close to someone, it all goes away. so i figure its about time i probably focus on myself, although i'd love to have more then myself to rely on but in the end thats all you have anyways.

at the moment im eating. pretty tired. and what a crappy weather connecticut is having at the moment. rainy wet day, makes me sad and emo;; blehhhh haha, what i'd give just to be somewhere where its nice and warm. somewhere i can hitt up the beach and relax, get a tan and not have to worry about a single thing. make it seem as if life itself has frozen. hehe =)

well back to eating i go, i'll be back later on tonight to update what happens throughout the dayy as it goes.

its whatever

-so today's june 4th, techincally the 5th cuzh its like 12:37am. but yea it was richard's birthday. he turns 19 today, so happy birthday to you and also jessica marie. thinkin about age and life just makes me realize i'll be 18 by the end of this yr [nov 26th]. although it seems like i may have the whole world to worry about life, but when you think about it - you can never predict the future, you'll never know whats gonna happen if you try to plan it out. planning things out are meant for change because things will never go as followed. thinking about ageing and life, makes me want to change so much and grow up. makes me want to find love and settle down, now im not talkin about marriage and kids, but a long relationship sounds about right at this moment, something i've longed for, for a while now. im tired of waiting, i see all these couples and its like when will it be my turn. i guess im not as lucky, but most will say i am lucky to be single because i have my whole life, but you dont know that, i can die the next week and never feel what you may feel. so your taken, okay........so what. some may think its a bad thing because of the arguements and the fightin, the disagreements and the jealousy. but i think those who have that special someone are the lucky ones, because like i said , one can die in the next week and never feel what love brings to the table. yes it has its ups and downs but in the end workin it out together and just havin that person at the end of the day when the sun goes down can be the best feelin ever, and that person who can die next week can never experience that. dont take anything for regret or any resentment. its like tht saying you'll never know what you have until you lose it.

someone has got me feeling some type of way;; i can 't display it and put it out on the table. but that person has really got me thinking, but it doesnt even matter now.

time to say goodbye................to him
&& everyone else;; im going to sleep now

the power

ahhh i can't seem to sleep. it is now 2:07am. and its just i have so much on my mind. no idea where to start, what to do, or even how to act. ever wish you had the power to read one's mind, ever wonder what someone is thinkin, what they think of you, && how they feel. especialy its times when people all over the world walk around with smiles, and its when you least know , that its fake. theres more to a person then a smile, most people are good at hiding their emotions. i on the other hand suck at it. i seriously break down so easily. i feel like im having a melt down, crazy thing is i dont know why. well its not that i dont know why, its just i have so much on my mind. im not sure which one of those causes this melt down. or maybe i do, its just something i can't speak of. but i feel like im stuck in between;; confuzed and dont know what to do or what to feel. blehhh maybe i need to let go. then i wouldnt feel so in between or even trapped.

on the other hand, i've been thinkin about relationships alot lately as well. and all types of relationships, from friends, to potential boyfriends in the future, and family. i feel like i either think it over to much, which i do alot. i over think and go over board into assumptions. or i just put way to much effort into keeping a relationship thats not there no more. thats over. so why should i keep trying if they're not willin to put in effort.

&& thats the reason why i give up;; i show no love;; im cold hearted;; act stubborn and stuck up- but its life, what more can i say.

1st of june

_so its the 1st blog of june. sorry i haven't been keeping up to date as usual or as i did the 1st couple of days. but as the previous one shows- its short, i was going through something................ anyways moving along now, well yesterday milo [ the guy who inspired me to blog again ] hitts me up on myspace and asks to chill. so we made plans and met at the mall. so indeed it was a pleasure to have met the guy who inspired me to blog, because if it wasn't for him, i wouldn't be writing this, especialy since he made my day haha. we at 1st met at trumbull mall then went off to milford mall, because milford mall has a movie theater. i think you know where im going with this one. well you guessed right, we went to watch a movie. lols hes the 1st guy i went to the mall with or even the movies, some what kind of date but it wasn't a date lols [ haha you can prolly tell by now, i've neva been on a real date;; just those cheesy lil kiddish ones, where we go to each other's houses or chill outside. LMAO] . we went to see the movie called dance flick or something like that, it was pretty hilarious even though i didn't get to watch much of it. but dont ask why. haha. we then left and was gonna go eat but i didnt want to eat alone, even though he was paying- well so far hes paid for everything;; btw ty. but he didnt want to eat and i didnt want him to watch me eat. so then we sit and talk and its time for my ride to come. we get lost, technically i got us lost finding which way out to my ride. haha, he thinks i did it on purpose. maybe i did just to spend a lil more time. sikeeee, jk haha. i seriously can say i dont know my way around, im that map quest type of girl. i guess you can say you dont know your way around until you start driving and its a lil something like that with me. basicaly we did some things* [dont ask] lols, watch a movie, chit chat, he ate and i got us lost. thats pretty much how the dayy went, but overall i was smilin throughout the dayy so i had a good time. he walked me to my ride and said our goodbyes and then left.

i get home and then the fam and i went out to eat at a chinese restuarant. YUMMM, i was hungry and hadnt eaten all dayy. so yay for me lols. came home around 9:30ish. got on myspace of course, since i hadn't been on all dayy. left milo a comment sayin thanxz for today and he said your welcome, thanxz for meetin me there. and then the end. lols usually we have these long lasting convos, but he might have had enough of me for one day today since we spent it chilling lmao. jk. yesterday he told me something and i said i felt the same. and after today, he seriously got me feeling some type of way;; very confuzedddddd about how i feel. but then again it doesnt matter its not like ima see him again, he goes back to fl sunday. so it was nice while it lasted.

anyways its 1:06am. so ima sign off.

pee-ess. [one more thing]
while we sat down in the movies, he asked if i was gonna blog about us meeting. i said no and he said he might. cuzh he usually does blog about these type of things and who he meets or something like that. then he asked if i'd read it and i said no lols. and then he said oh im puttin that in my blog quotes. but looks like im the one who blogged about today surprisingly. lols